In response to Friday’s post "Perpetrating Lesbians," N.D. Smith submitted the following food for thought from the perspective of being a Black bisexual woman…
Ok, so I’m not a dike.
It took me a little while to figure that out. Forgive me for being a little slower than others. I had my first crush (which was on a girl) at the tender age of 8. I was feeling her, she was feeling me and boy did we feel on each other. Perhaps if someone had forced me to choose my sexuality way back then, I would surely be a "say it loud, I’m a dike and I’m proud" lesbian by now.
But no, the years went by and the schoolyard crushes on girls and really busty teachers gave way to puberty and a new found fascination with muscles. Men looked good to me and they felt good to me as well. Lucky for me (or maybe not so lucky) I was able to blend in seamlessly with heterosexual society.
Unfortunately, I had already had a taste of the softer side and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t control the BIKE inside.
I TRIED JESUS! I threw myself into the church at the ripe old age of 17 and prayed on swollen knees constantly that God would take the taste away. A taste that more and more was becoming a hunger.
I wasn’t the only one that was hungry and salivating at the pulpit.
Church was like a lioness’s den, and I was ‘Danielle’, the only difference was, I ate a lioness.
Now I’m really confused!
I like men, I like women, I love God but He hates what I’m doing. Or so I was told by the butchy preacher that was laying next to me on a regular basis.
"Fuck it!" I said, ever the rebel…"I’m a dike and I’m proud!"
I left the church, cut off all my hair, started dressing more butchy and declared myself on a mission to eat some pussy!
Hold up…let me back up…
Before I reached the "I’m a lesbian" stage, I met a man whose tits were bigger than mine and decided he was the best of both worlds and my ticket straight out of hell.
I was wrong.
Now back to the story….
I told everyone I was a lesbian – including my mother (who did everything but throw holy water on me). I was adamantly convinced of my superior dikehood until…
"Never trust a big dick and a smile" came along. This man wooed me and turned me the fuck out. Damn that dick was good! Although I would later find out that the man was not. Even still, the dick was awesome and i had to admit to my perpetrating Dikeism self that I in fact, was not a dike.
Damn! Now what?
Well you know what…
I ran back to church like the juke joint in the color purple. "Oh Jesus! Please forgive me…cleanse me…heal me of this lust for lezzies!"
I started preaching against homosexuals…swearing, with one hand on the bible before the judgmental congregation, that I had been delivered from all sexual evils. That God could and had actually saved me from my lustful demons. I had convinced all of Christianity and myself, that I was "healed."
I went up to the pulpit for prayer one day last year. There was a lady there from a visiting church laying hands on people and praying for them. I was a usher but had a serious headache and decided to go up and let her "lay hands on me." She did and I was fine, that is until she pulled me in tight for a long, loving hug.
Her breast were huge!
All I could think about was "I’m about to be struck down right here, right now." My panties were so wet!
I broke down crying hysterically. I told the Lord right then and there that if playing straight for the rest of my life was the only way I could get a ticket to heaven, I was going to have to cancel my reservation.
Of course I have since studied religion and it’s origins and all the BS and I no longer believe I’m going to hell. I know God made me and loves me just the way I am. But that day I was ready to jump in the fire myself if it meant finally being true to myself.
I know now that I am not a dike. However, I am a bike.
I am bisexual damnit! Get over it all you straight people and all you totally homosexuals. This is not a cop out! It is extremely hard to explain and even harder to realize. It takes a strong person to refuse the pressure of choosing sides. It takes an even stronger person to refuse the convenience of choosing the "safe" side.
We in the GLB&T community have to stick together. It hurts my heart when lesbians treat me like a second class gay citizen.
I long to have a serious long lasting potential life long relationship with another woman. I’ve been with men in relationships most of my life. I’ve been there, done that. I want a woman! I crave a woman…
But most lesbians won’t give me a chance. I guess they fear I’ll leave them for a man…why aren’t they afraid I will leave them for another woman? Come on now…
Sexuality is not a choice (ok, for some it is). Love however is a choice. If I choose to love you, I love you for your heart, not for what’s between your legs! I am not swayed by a man’s penis; I can buy one of those. I am not swayed by a woman’s vagina; I have my own, though I really wish I had another one to be my playmate. I just want to love and be loved for who I am, not feared and despised for who I’ve been with.
I could lie to a woman. I could tell her that I am a lesbian and the two children I’ve given birth to are both just freaks of nature. I could tell her that Denzel Washington and every other sexy black man do absolutely nothing for me. But why lie? Being gay is about pride and truth no matter how or who you prefer to have an orgasm with. I am a brilliant and beautiful bike; a cushy ride no matter who mounts me. I’m proud of that! I want someone who will love me even knowing that.
No, being a bike isn’t easy, it’s a hard and bumpy rode to ride. However, more and more everyday, being honest about it is getting a lot easier.
N.D. Smith is a single mother living with her two sons in Columbus Ohio. A wordsmith in every since of the word; N.D. believes that from the time of hieroglyphics, words always have been and always will be art. Words are the focus of her work as a folk artist. The words she crafts together in her literary works have landed her in such publications as Vibe Magazine, Crosslink Magazine and her own self published projects such as the Nic-Nat News and N3Smith Creations Greeting Cards and Poetry Boards.
For more information on this up and coming artist, check out her Myspace page