So check it out, this is strictly for my Portishead fans.

A once in a lifetime opportunity is before you. If you live in the Los Angeles area or plan to be in the Los Angeles area on Thursday, April 24th, listen up.

I have one extra ticket for someone who is not mentally unstable to attend a special private rehearsal with one of my all time favorite bands Portishead.

Portishead is headlining Coachella on Saturday, April 26th, but why wait until Saturday when you can see them indoors, for free, void from the thousands of folks expected to attend this year’s Coachella Festival, and with yours truly?

As you know, their live performances are infrequent at best, and after they play Coachella, they won’t be back in the States for 5 years. Need I say more? Well actually, yes, I do need to say more. ..before you too happy, there are the strings attached to this offer.


What You Need to Know Before Entering the Contest

  • You must live in the Los Angeles area or plan on being in the Los Angeles area Thursday, April 24th from 7 p.m. to 9 p.m.
  • There’s only one ticket and that ticket is for the winner of this contest, not your girl, not your man. You.
  • I prefer that you not be mentally unstable. If you are unsure of your mental status, that’s a sign that you probably are…no need to apply.
  • The winner of the contest wins the ticket to go to the rehearsal with me. Not a trip to the No Tell Motel with me, I’m desperate but I ain’t that desperate. How you get there is your business. We’ll meet up at the location of the rehearsal and go from there.
  • And even though it’s true what you heard about me, I am a lesbian, for the purposes of this contest, it is open to women and men, gay, lesbian, bisexual, or heterosexual, Republican or Democrat, Obama supporters, and yes, I’ll even go with a Clinton or even worse McCain supporter, Black, white, Latino, Asian, it doesn’t matter, but you must be legal and that means 21 or older.  However, I draw the line at evangelicals.  I am going to this rehearsal to enjoy myself, capiche?
  • Last but not least, I rarely travel alone, so if you think you’re going to meet up with me and try to act out your personal frustrations by causing me bodily injury, I’d rethink that one. If you think you’re going to show up in blackface and an afro speaking in a Southern and barely understandable dialect, I’d think again. If you’re a known pedophile who sings R&B while videotaping himself with minors, no need to apply either. Oh, and you’re automatically disqualified if you’re an ex of mine. Because come Friday morning, I’ll be blogging about how I met up with some crazy psycho who I had to put in a chokehold until the police got there and hauled their ass off to jail. Momma don’t take no mess.

What You Need to Do to Enter the Contest

So if you made it through the What You Need to Know Before Entering the Contest spiel and you’re still eligible and wanting to enter here’s what you need to do:

  • In 100 words or less, not 101 words, not 115 words, but 100 words or less, explain to me why you’re Portishead’s biggest fan and why you want to go with me to see them…make it good. I need to feel important and special.
  • Take those 100 words or less and paste them into the body of an email addressed to No attachments. In fact, emails with attachments won’t even be considered.
  • Be sure to include your phone number, that is if you want to find out if you won or not. If you’re just entering for the hell of it, then don’t worry about including any pertinent contact information.
  • The deadline to enter is 11:59 p.m. Monday, April 21st. The winner will be notified on Wednesday, April 23rd. The rehearsal is Thursday, April 24th. The winning entry will be published on my site on Thursday, April 24th and on Friday, if the winner didn’t turn out to be a 5150, I’ll post a photo of us at the show.

Good luck and a shout out to Jessica and Giant Step for hooking a sista up!