Okay so here’s my disclaimer: this isn’t going to be pretty and if you’re easily offended this isn’t the blog for you. You may quietly exit now.
With that out of the way, I wanted to broach a subject that I’ve been meaning to write about for sometime, but just hadn’t…that is until I read the subject line of my weekly About.com’s Lesbian Life Guide. And I quote: “Am I a lesbian?”
Now some of you may have received the same email and so I will start by saying that what I’m going to talk about isn’t related to About.com’s Lesbian Life Guide. The subject line of the email was right on point with recent conversations I’d been having with friends about who is and isn’t a lesbian.
Fact: there are women who are perpetrating among us. Yes, it’s true.
The latest indication of this was a recent trip to the club I took—wait no, let me rephrase that, a recent trip to a lesbian club, wherein the main attraction at the end of the night wasn’t one of the female dancers as you might expect, but rather a male dancer that cleaned up and I mean cleaned up! Not only did he walk away with more money than his handlers could hold, but the women giving him the money were damn near having conniptions and falling all over themselves in the process. Not a single one of the female dancers that performed before the male dancer raked in nearly as much money or fanfare.
I remember standing towards the back of the room with my friends. We were all in amazement at how the women, who were assumed to have been lesbian, were fawning over this man. And I’m going to keep it real. All of the women drooling over the male dancer were what we like to refer to as “fems.” While the majority of the women standing on the sidelines were “studs.” Not to mention that many of the women on the sidelines were watching their woman go crazy ape nuts over this male dancer.
And no—this isn’t a slight against the club. After all, that dancer wouldn’t be bringing in the dollars like he does if he wasn’t in demand. It’s just an observation.
Now there is a difference between being bisexual and being lesbian. Just like there’s a difference between being bisexual and passing time. Holla!
Now, there’s no consensus among my group of friends on this subject, and quite frankly, I don’t need one. I know what I know on this subject and it hasn’t steered me wrong yet.
There are women who sleep with women not because they’re lesbian, not even because they’re bisexual (in my opinion), but because their man isn’t treating them right, is locked up, or they don’t have a man at the moment.
These women are almost 100 percent of the time “fem,” many with kids, aren’t interested in really being in a relationship per se with a woman (although that doesn’t mean they won’t give it the ole’ college try), and don’t give a damn about your Movement. More often than not, they’re interested in “studs” only, for obvious reasons, although that doesn’t mean they won’t mess with a “fem,” but “studs” are usually preferred. And don’t be shocked if she’s a pillow princess either.
You won’t find these women at a meeting on gay marriage, lol, but you will find them up in the club, on the chat lines, and on the Internet on the prowl for some love and attention from the only place they think they can get it, another woman.
Now I am not hating on bisexuality. If that’s your thing so be it. But this isn’t about bisexuality. This is about women who know good and damn well that they aren’t trying to be in a real relationship with another woman when in fact what they are doing is killing time until he either starts to act right, gets released, or comes along.
These women more often than not don’t contribute anything to the community, except for drama when the shit hits the fan.
I’ve seen it happen too many times. And quite frankly it’s giving us real lovers of women a bad rep, both inside and outside of the community.
And I’m not oblivious either to the other side of this coin. The side that has lesbians specifically targeting heterosexual women in an attempt to “turn them out.” An argument might I add, that is constantly being lodged at lesbians by heterosexual men in an attempt to justify the recent rise in popularity of lesbianism.
But that’s a discussion for another day.
But back to the topic at hand…
I have a friend that I’ve known for over ten years. She is 28 with five kids. And in all the time I’ve known her, she been strictly-dickly. That is until her man got out of line and she found herself alone raising five kids. All of a sudden I pop up and there’s some stud sitting on her couch and I’m looking at her like what the fuck, cause I know, like she knows, that ain’t her cup of tea.
Her excuse, it beats being alone.
Well that’s great for her until he comes back home, but what about the “stud” sitting on her couch.
And that’s just one example, there’s plenty more where that came from.
Being a lesbian isn’t something that you can conveniently turn on and off when the mood hits you. It’s not a fad. It’s not something that you do for fun.
Just like our ancestors died to make sure that we have the liberties that so many of us take for granted, so did a lot of Black lesbians and it really bothers me to see this disturbing trend on almost a daily basis now.
Now me personally, I don’t get involved with women who aren’t card carrying members of the National Black Lesbians Association, lol. My gaydar is pretty good and like I said before, it hasn’t steered me wrong yet… on that issue.
But I am curious to hear from both the women that I am talking about and the women who engage these women knowing the situation. I’m wondering if it’s an issue of low self esteem, the feeling like you can love her better than her man and that dildo is going to make her stay. What? Give me something here cause’ inquiring minds want to know.
And for the women who know good and damn well that they aren’t lesbians or even bisexual, why? What’s your rationale and then how should womenn who are lesbians and in this life for the good and the bad, the ups and the downs, who don’t turn it on and off when the mood hits them, how are we supposed to receive you, especially in this politically charged environment where are our very lives are being debated on daily basis in the pulpit, on the Floor, and in the media?
Everyone else, get in where you fit in.
Am I trippin’?
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