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It’s the end of the first week in R. Pissy’s trial and ladies and gents, we’ve got ourselves a jury!

So just who exactly is going to be responsible for deciding the fate on the Mofo Who Went Pee?

  • The Romanian immigrant. 68-year-old white man who immigrated to the United States 30 years ago. Knows Kelly is a singer but didn’t know the genre. Promised to be a diligent juror. “When I go to bed at night, I want to have a clear conscience,” he said. “I’m probably not the smartest guy, but I’ll do what’s best and fair.”
  • The athletic trainer. White woman in her 20s. Works for a suburban high school and has a master’s degree.
  • The college grad. White man who recently graduated from a Midwest university. Has prior convictions for marijuana possession and underage drinking. Too young to remember O.J. Simpson’s trial, but said he followed NFL star Michael Vick’s dog fighting case.
  • The vaguely aware of Kelly guy. White man with only a slight idea of Kelly’s celebrity. Said he could put aside whatever he’s read about Kelly in the newspapers.
  • The business executive. As the father of two young kids, he said child pornography is “as low as it gets.” The man, who is white, believes Kelly is guilty but promised to keep an open mind. Appears to be in his mid-30s.
  • The pastor’s wife. She and Kelly both live in Olympia Fields, though the woman says she hasn’t heard much about him. The woman, who is black, is active in the Baptist church. Appears to be in her 50s. (I’m going to tell you write now, I think she’ lying. She’s an undercover Kelly fan. Black, female, Baptist church! Please.)
  • The Christian. A black man who appears to be in his 50s. Only knows Kelly for the song “I Believe I Can Fly,” though he suspects his kids may know more about him. Does not like to see pornographic material on public display. (He’s lyin’ too. All Black people know who R. Kelly is, his music, and what he did.)
  • The student. A white woman studying criminal justice in college. Hopes to be a cop someday. Only knows one or two of Kelly’s “old” songs. Appears to be in her early to mid-20s.
  • The teacher’s aide. A black woman who works at a Catholic school. Says her friends have discussed the videotape at the center of the trial and are split about Kelly’s innocence. Some say he’s the man in the video, others insist it’s not him. Appears to be in her early 30s. (She knows the truth!)
  • The prolific juror. A white man who has served on juries in two civil lawsuits. Appears to be in his late 40s or early 50s.
  • The Bush-hater. A white man who appears to be in his late 30s or early 40s. Carries a backpack with an “Impeach Bush” button. Said he would hold his jury service to the highest standards.


  • The young white guy. White male in his 20s who interned at a local radio station and applied to the Chicago Police Department before changing his mind. His uncle has been convicted of child pornography charges. Says he can still be fair.
  • The Apple guy. Young Latino male who works for Apple. Said he knows of the case but can put aside what he knows. Also won’t be upset by graphic images. “A picture can say 1,000 words but facts can/may be different,” he wrote on his questionnaire.
  • The retired deputy. A 60-something retired Cook County sheriff’s deputy, sailed through questioning. Said she believes in following the rules. Told the judge she doesn’t like porn but can suffer through for the sake of justice.
  • The last woman. Middle-aged black woman. Neither side had any strikes when the woman entered the jury room, so she answered a bunch a perfunctory questions and made the cut. (Watch this one…)

This is probably the first time I have ever been excited to see a majority white jury for a Black defendant.

There you have it. The 12 jurors and four alternates will hear opening statements in R. Pissy’s child pornography trial at 11 a.m. Tuesday.

Source: Chicago Tribune