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Missing Since: 8 p.m., Friday, April 1
Last Seen: In my garage
Color: Purpleish/Blue (see above photo)
Type: Ladies Mountain Bike
Size: 26″

I leave my house for 15 minutes to get a salad—a salad when I really wanted McDonald’s but you know I’m trying to kick the bad fast food habit so Subway it is.  Anyway, I come home and my bike is missing from my garage. Mothafuckas.

And see what makes it so bad is that someone yet again must have been watching me because no one new my bike was back there except for my immediate neighbors–who I know didn’t take it—and the riff raff shady folks who live in the apartment buildings to the right and to the left of me.

I need Detectives Goren, Eames, Stabler, Benson, Munch, and Fin on the case pronto.  And we should call in Monk, Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys.  And maybe for good measure we can call in the IRS because they are pros at finding people who don’t want to be found.

All I have to say is I hope the mothafucka who took my bike doesn’t get caught slippin in the neighborhood because I am putting out an all points bulletin out for my bike.  It’s the principal of the matter, the principal.  You do not just come up in someone’s garage and steal their bike.

And I better not find out one of my friends decided to April Fool’s me because they’d be better of keeping the bike.  Like with NWA’s alleged reunion prank by the L.A. Weekly, you just do not play with my bike.