I’ll freely admit that I have never understood Pillow Princesses.  You know, those sistas that have no problem with you putting in all of the work and bustin’ a sweat while they lay there and moan and groan at what seems to be preplanned intervals and then turn over and go to sleep once the deed is done.

Consider the following answer to how a Pillow Princess keeps her woman from feeling neglected from an admitted and proud Pillow Princess in an interview done in May of 2006:

Simple. You just use psychology. For example, it’s really true that flattery will get you everywhere. Make her feel like she just rocked your world. I usually say something like, “Oh my God, you stud.” I also like to feign catatonia and murmur: “Look what you’ve done to me.” My favorite is to make her get up and write down whatever it was she just did to me so she never ever forgets it. While she’s doing that, I take the opportunity to drift off to sleep, or just leave.

Something just doesn’t seem right to me about that.

The characteristics of a Pillow Princess are often times very similar to the Perpetrating Lesbian— a curious or bisexual woman, usually a fem, who wants to experience pleasure from oral sex, but who is unwilling to give it in return.

However, I feel it only right to point out that all Pillow Princesses aren’t fems, curious, or bisexual.  I know quite a few studs (dominant lesbian, usually butch, often African American) that fall into that category as well.  After doing some research, I discovered that the name for this type of lesbian is a Stone Butch.  Who knew?

According to About.com’s Lesbian Life website, a Stone Butch is a lesbian who gets her pleasure from pleasing her partner. She does not like to be touched sexually.

I was involved with two such women, it didn’t work out.

The first was a stud who was definitely a lesbian, I never questioned that.  However, absolutely under no circumstances did she desire for her partner to pleasure her.  Her G spot was off limits permanently.

The second was also a lesbian, but in her defense, at 44, she still suffered from intense internalized homophobia which had an odd way of rearing its ugly head (no pun intended), whenever it was time to do the do.  I credit that homophobia with being the reason why she could never be a receiver. 

It’s very easy to figure out the deal with your average fem, curious, or bisexual Pillow Princess.  As discussed previously, most are just killing time with women until Mr. Right starts acting right, gets out, or comes along.  But it’s not so easy to figure out the mechanics behind our more masculine sistas who behind closed doors, turn into the stud version of a Pillow Princess.  In fact it’s baffling to me.  I mean they can’t all be suffering from or with internalized homophobia.  Can they?

While perusing About.com’s Lesbian Life website, I came across the following question from a Stone Butch reader:

I consider myself a butch lesbian. In the course of discussing this and discovering it myself several years ago, my therapist suggested I am "stone." She suggested this because I ache and long and burn to give pleasure, while finding it difficult to receive. The thought of it causes me to cringe. Not in disgust, but fear…

…It frightens me to think of allowing someone, a woman, to touch me in order to allow them to give… it comes down to faking it on my part. I do not FEEL pleasure in being touched. But women seem to be unable to grasp that I truly do not ache and long to be touched and "loved". This is not helping me because I am not being heard when I talk and dare to be honest about my experiences. I have in my few relationships swallowed my discomfort and my grief and allowed the woman I was with to touch me, to "give" to me… even though I had done all I could to plainly explain that the only thing that gets me off is giving pleasure and satisfaction just those words.

…Is it "wrong" that I get my "zing" from giving HER a "zing?…”

Maybe it’s just me, but I thought one of the normalcy’s of being a lesbian was the act of being a lesbian.  Hello?  And I thought that act included oral sex. I guess this is true for some but not all of us.  You learn something new everyday.

I guess a Stone Butch and Pillow Princess is a match made in heaven, but not for mwah.

This isn’t hateration on those sistas either, it’s simply knowing what works and doesn’t for you and being empowered enough to put it out there early enough in the conversation before someone ends up being very disappointed and time that you can’t get back is wasted.

Agree or disagree?

Not Just An Issue for Lesbians

While having this discussion with a group of friends, one of them, a gay man, told me that this was also an issue in the gay community as well, but of a different sort.

His issue was with men who while up in da club gave you the image and attitude of being a thugged out top but that after you got to know them and decided to take it there, found out that he was more passive than you were in the bed.  He said that lack of honesty from the beginning has been the downfall of many a relationship.  Who knew?  I won’t even pretend to understand what that’s all about, but for my gay readers, feel free to weigh in on it. 

My heterosexual brothas took the time to point out to me that Pillow Princesses were more of a phenomenon in their world, and after careful consideration, I’d say they’re probably right.  The missionary position (man on top) doesn’t exactly call for much on behalf of the woman except to lie there.  And since that has been the preferred and morally correct position of choice for many generations and subconsciously passed down as what is acceptable during sex, don’t be surprised if she talks the talk but can’t walk the walk.  Don’t let the lyrics to some of these rap songs lead you to believe that everyone gets down like that.

In an attempt to better understand my Stone Butch sistas, can you please enlighten me on why you don’t care to be on the receiving end? 

Pillow Princesses, what’s the deal with giving?

Everyone else, get in where you fit in.

And now for the disclaimer…No, all Pillow Princesses aren’t Perpetrating Lesbians, curious, fem, or bisexual.  It is however, my opinion that most of them are.  And we know all about opinions…


Just to give you a quick update on my call for Perpetrating Lesbians to enlighten us…I’m still waiting.  Don’t be scared…