Charles is a 25 year old genius in my humble opinion.  He’s an educated man and by most societal standards, he’s quite successful.  Except for in his love life.  While driving back home from a weekend excursion out of state, we were talking and he said, "I need to get me a white man."  I was SO in shock, all I could say was, "well, OOOOO-KAAAY!"  As the conversation progressed, he told of his being unattractive to black men. "I’m always too something" he said.  "I’m either…

Too short

Too tall

Too big

Too small

Too light

Too dark

Too fem

Too smart

Too religious

Not religious enough…" and the list went on.  It got me to thinking, for the same gender loving men that most of my straight girlfriends say they are looking for, is their last resort in finding love dating outside the race?  Do men of other races see the beauty we as black men possess more clearly than our own brothaz? 

This "I need to get a white man" sentiment seems to be more prevalent that I thought.  I’ve met quite a large number of African American brothaz who have simply given up on finding love and living "happily ever after" with another black man.  In fact, David, a very nice brotha that I met recently said "I’d never have sex if it wasn’t for white men.  The black ones say I’m too big and too dark."  And this brotha has the most beautiful ebony skin I’ve ever seen.  He too is educated, successful, and seems to have obtained all the things he’s worked hard for.  In my opinion, he’s a blessing for any man to have.

I do understand that there are brothaz out there who say they simply "prefer" brothaz of the Caucasian Persuasion.  But what drives them to it?  Is it as simple as "some men like black men, some don’t?" Or is there something that drives them away from the race?  I’ve been told that in some cases, the brothaz who don’t do brothaz have often been repeatedly hurt emotionally, spiritually, and maybe physically.  These experiences cause them to associate relationships with other black men with pain.  Their scars are constant reminders of the once devastating wounds inflicted on them by those who look like them. 

Which leads me to the question, are my brothaz hurting so much that all they know to do is play games and hurt each other?  If so, what can be done to stop all the hurting so we can stop hurting each other?  What can we do to help each other appreciate the unique beauty that IS the black man?

Be it far from me to tell brothaz like Charles and David to not date outside the race.  What are they to do?  Shouldn’t they go where the love is?  Or should they put their love lives on hold until they find a brotha who is mature enough to appreciate and love them for the men they are?  I mean in "Give Me Time", the IRREPLACABLE Minnie Riperton said "love is rare and hard to find". 

One would argue that we are living in the 21st century and race shouldn’t really be an issue any more.  We ALL live under the rainbow, right?  And be sides, love is love.  Its essence is unconditional.  Love transcends all boundaries and if given a chance can overcome all things.  If an African American man finds love outside of his race, maybe we should just rejoice with him that he is experiencing what we all want on some level….to be loved in spite of.

Tuan N’Gai is the Dallas,Texas based author of "Will I Go To Heaven? The Black Gay Spiritual Dilemma", Founder of Biazo Ministries and Co-Founder of Operation: REBIRTH (  He can be contacted at